The Bucket List

9	weeks
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So my latest blog entries have been pretty depressing and I’m finding it very difficult to write anything positive for my experience at this moment in time.  At this moment in time,  I should be at the Pantanal having an experience of a lifetime and enjoying the wildlife, but the person I was going with dropped out on me for stupid reasons I won’t go into too much detail with. With already a trip to the amazon cancelled, I have nothing to do for the next 8 weeks apart from dive into my work and keep my mind off all the bad that’s happened in the next month. With that in mind, to avoid yet ANOTHER depressing blog entry, I have decided that this time I’ll write a bucket list on what I plan to do in August when I get back into England.  *This is no particular order*

1.       Visit all my family member who have been supportive during my time here and maybe get creative and design lots of Thank You cards, and moving in Hampers ect :P!

2.       Organise a huge hangout with all my university friends, so I can get all emotional and tell them how much I’ve missed them (If any of you are reading this, Get on arranging something! Anything!)

3.       Visit some of my friends at home, a night with Ash, Holly and Alan. Likely just playing board games at their house with a bottle of wine or rum ;)

4.       Help my parents move house, Decorate my room at home and work on the Garden!!, Yes Dad , I plan to make our new garden wildlife friendly! With plenty of tips from Laura and Callum!

5.       Eat my body weight in food!  I really miss a Shams Spices curry, Barboritos , Spoons and The Globe.  And drink a lot of dark rum :P

6.       Go on a HUGE shopping spree for new clothes and shoes with my sister! Make sure that next year, I get her out of the house more and treat her as a thank you for shopping! (Including Revolution de Cuba in September)

7.       Take Ben shopping (as he’s a useless guy who needs a woman’s opinion) and followed by drink’s ! And let him teach me the rules of ice hockey!!  

8.       Camp out with the college folks!

9.       Make a scrapbook specifically for my time here and edit my other scrapbook! Go to paper chase and spend even more money! Including stationary for university and a nice planner J

10.   Go visit my family in Cumbria for the weekend and have a fun weekend around the Lake District.

11.   ALAN CARR at the Buxton opera house with my family and Hannah! (maybe go out for a cheeky rum afterwards!)

12.   Binge out on all kinds of movies and TV with my bestie Hannah! (the amount of little plans we have promised would require a separate list :P) ZOMBIES and DISNEY!

13.   Go out with people from School since Liam thinks it will benefit my well-being or some philosophical crap ;)

14.   Have a few day trips out with the parent ;)

15.   ENJOY SUMMER IN ENGLAND!

Thank You to all my true amazing friends and family who have sympathised with my struggles here and have gone out your way to make plans with me so im not bored and alone when I get home! LOVE YOU ALL! X

In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same. - Albert Einstein

The Truth

Before I came here people told me that traveling abroad and living away from home will differentiate the important people in your life and everyone else.  With that in mind I stated in one of my earlier blog entries that I was lucky I had not experienced this because everyone was equally as supportive. However my luck has finally run out and this month so far has acknowledged that lingering statement.  These past two weeks have been the most emotional and heart breaking days of my time here or maybe even my entire life, to put this into perspective I have never felt so betrayed by people I considered close to me.  Friends have often described me by wearing my heart and emotions on my sleeve which in turn makes me exposed to being hurt and manipulated by others.  I personally like to think being honest and true could be considered my best and worst qualities.

Being out in the field for the first time in 2 weeks has helped me reflect on what has happened, but before I explain further there is something I should confess. Throughout my life people have betrayed me. I was bullied throughout school and because of this you could say I grew up quickly. Being a naïve and lonely 13 year old I was already being used by people older than me, shortly later I got my first real relationship (yes at the young age of 13), the boy in question treated me well but like everyone else couldn’t deal with my emotional mood swings. During our relationship the very little friends I had no longer wanted to associate with me including my childhood best friend. You could say because of this I became bitter for years, not trusting anyone fully. And It took even a couple years of for my now (ex) boyfriend to gain my trust for this reason.  Gaining my trust I held onto this person for 6 and a half years afraid to let go, as of now I managed to push bitter feelings aside and develop some amazing friends. 

When we broke up even though we broke up originally on good terms, but despite this I was alone in another country with one other English friend/housemate, and as stated in my previous blog entry I developed strange falsified feelings for him, as a result of lack of human contact. Without going into too much detail we both did horrible despicable things myself included which has now broken down our personal relationship till the point we are being separated into different housing and he understandably can’t stand me.  The worst betrayal was discovering that my boyfriend had a moment of weakness and had been unfaithful during my time here. From here on out this week I have been dealing with the mess from both sides, with consistent feelings of deep betrayal, feeling hollow and guilt. For anyone who knows me well, when I get upset, I turn into a hurricane destroying anything in my path, pushing people away so I am forced to start afresh. This is one of those times, I acted selfishly and now there nothing left but animosity between me and my ex. I have cut ties with a lot of people I would consider friends, not because I don’t consider them good people but because they no longer can have a place in my life. My work colleagues are mad at me and because of issues with my housemate and my grade now hangs in the balance, and the only friend I have here who could of help lessen the blow is hates me and has betrayed me as equally.  Alongside what feels like the most expensive break up ever, Safe to say, it feels I have hit rock bottom and the worst lesson of my life.

Even though my head is spinning with emotions and regrets, I refuse to be swallowed up this time and lead to become bitter again. It would be wrong to assume that these people from my past and from my present are horrible people by betraying me. They did despicable things some which people would describe as unforgivable and therefore people keep asking me why I continue to be unconditionally kind? Well here’s my answer…  I have done at least equally spiteful things in my life which I am not proud of. How can I finally forgive myself for these actions if I refuse to forgive others who have acted unkind? And as my friends would say I am only human and I am entitled to make mistakes. Well in that case people who have betrayed me are also entitled to the same luxury. So even though I may not speak to some of these people again, I do not believe because they acted unkind that they are horrible people and I forgive them, even if it means not expecting forgiveness in return.

On this note I am trying my best to act kind even to those who may not return that kindness and I guess this is my way of dealing with the heavy problems I now face. I guess it’s only when you hit a really low point in your life when you can really re-evaluate the type of person you are. I may not feel this way consistently this way but I think its fine I stop beating myself up over things which are now beyond my control and just concentrate on being the person I want to be. The next two months are going to be hard expected with no longer a visitor coming in July. Luckily I have also recently made some new amazing group of  local friends who are making my time here a little easier, with Cinema, lots of Food and Tequila  in which hope to see more of in the near future. 

Special thanks to friends who have been there for me and have consistently listened to me cry and moan and get angry through Skype, online and even into the early hours of the morning. especially Hannah, James,Alan, Ben, Sarah, Laura, Damien and Liam. Also Thank You to my new Brazilian Friend Marina for you consistent kindness.  

Iguazu Falls and April

First thing I will talk about this month is my trip to Iguazu falls. I was a bit worried about getting to the airport but we got through ok. When we arrived we met a really nice couple who are as ill prepared as us because we forgot we was actually staying in Argentina not Brazil so needed to rush to get the correct currency.  We began the first night by having a nice meal at an Argentinian restaurant which was lovely followed by some cheeky drinks by the pool.  The first day was spent looking at the waterfalls on the Argentina side; these were Amazing, Majestic and Beautiful, swarmed by rainbows and butterflies. Any girls dream to be honest. I don’t think I can put into words how beautiful they were so I will just leave some pictures here which honestly doesn’t give the falls any justice. In the afternoon we even took a boat trip which to our surprise was acting going beneath one of the falls and getting soaked from head to toe.

The second day were spent on the Brazilian side of the falls which makes up only 30% of the falls, it was still great because you got to see a further away view of the falls which was also really beautiful within itself. After a day of sight-seeing we went to a really nice all you can eat and a spot of shopping in duty free on the border between Brazil and Argentina. The evening was spent drinking way to much red wine, which I won’t go into too much detail but it consisted of my flat mate jumping in the pool naked and me being very sick. Ooops.  The airport on the way back was a bit rough, feeling very hungover from the night before. My housemate also got his wallet stolen and my cards weren’t working which meant we almost got stuck at Rio Airport with no money to get back. Luckily I managed to get my cards working again. Moral of the story, make sure you always have cash on you.

Other aspects of April have been an emotional rollercoaster. I promised on my first blog I would be a 100% honest so people can learn what It’s really like to live away. So breaking up with my boyfriend of 6.5 years was killer, and I am still devastated. Even worse loosing someone this close to you, when your only company is your housemate. If it couldn’t get any-more emotionally challenging than that, don’t let your housemate takes full advantage of your vulnerability. Anyone who might consider living exclusive with someone for a long time, no matter how much you are upset and yearn for human connection, preserve! Don’t do what I did; don’t have a fling with your housemate and then have to listen for weeks how much of a regret you are. Followed by finding out all the things they hate about you. So on that note, I have to live 3 months with this person and travel to the Pantanal with them. And the cherry on top, have my now ex-boyfriend and him under the same roof in July.  I made promises that I would keep a lot of this quiet but in due to recent events, quite frankly I’ve done with caring.  I’m ready to come back to England and get my life in order. 

March

March

March started with an unexpected pleasant surprise as I got invited to help out on the Butterfly monitoring project. This was something I have been looking forward to since during my time at University I have developed a keen interest for insects including Lepidoptera.  This so far has been a great experience; firstly I learnt how to set up the 16 traps using an attractant made up of ripe bananas and Sugar cane, over the same 1400m transect line used for my own personal project. I really enjoyed learning how to set the nets up as it’s a skill that will benefit me in future and would like to try this out at home and see that British species I find. From this we had 3 days in which we would check the traps, mark and release the butterflies whilst collecting vital data.  I loved this as obviously Lepidoptera in Brazil are big beautiful and impressive. I also learnt how to handle alive ones without damaging there delicate wings. Luckily being interested Entomology I have experience in spreading the wings and pinning dead specimens, so I had a greater understanding how much pressure I can apply without harming them.

My bad luck with everything breaking is continuing and the next thing to break was both the washing machine and drier, as a result I truly am now living in the rainforest, as I now have to use a bucket to hand wash all my clothes and my homemade line when its not raining :’( ! getting domesticated #Firstworldproblems. More bad luck includes getting slight food poisoning or a bug this month from treating myself to Mexican, not great when you share a room with someone else, have no Netflix and no lounge pants :’(.  

When I wrote my first blog entry here, I said I would be completely honest and tell the both the good and bad aspects to living in another country. This month has been the most emotionally challenging month so far.   Its no secret that I am prone to being homesick but now is hitting me more than ever. For those who don’t know, my 6.5 year relationship at home has hit a wall, and that’s all I will share about it so far. But coping is difficult as  I don’t speak to many people here; when I say that I mean I have my housemate and occasionally my language teacher.  The need for human contact is suppressing me like a ton of bricks. The routine this month is also the getting tedious, and the field doesn’t quite satisfy my thirst for adventure anymore.  And even now I am struggling to put this into words.  I must be starting become a complete bore. But being amazing friend’s they continue to be supportive even if it means sitting with me on skype almost every day this week, listening to me whine and get upset.  My housemate parents are also visiting today so that put it even further into light how much I miss my own and everyone at home.  So ill end this month’s entry by thanking and apologising to the people who has had to deal with my continued negativity.  Thank You and Sorry too: both Joe’s , James, Hannah, Laura, Sarah, Damien, Ben D, Ben W and  Skye. Whom have had to deal with me consistent moaning.  I Love you all.

I’ve had enough of March. I expect April will have its moments, but now since I am half way down a bottle of Bacardi gold it’s time to pull myself up again. 

The Truth about Carnival

My Week In Lapa for Carnival

Many people know about Carnival in Rio and it is considered one of the biggest parties in the world and is on most people’s lifetime bucket list. I personally spent my time in Carnival in Lapa which is considered the biggest party region in Rio for any tourist. When I arrived in Lapa I noticed it was a beautiful place with fantastic arches, views of the bay ,parks and where my nice hostel was based, on some very famous colorful tiled stairs named Selarón's Staircase . I got to appreciate this beauty for the crowds of people rushed in. Within a day the 1000s of people flooded the streets and the party vibe was out. Throughout the entire time everyone was dressed up in all sorts of costumes, but the main one was men here loved to dress in drag.

The first night in Carnival and what do I do, I visit an Irish Bar for a taste of home.  The Irish bar was lovely; they played English music, served nice beer and Bloody Marys ;) and Best yet NACHOS! After the Irish bar we then took to the streets. Honestly the street parties are not all what it’s cracked up to be, actually the opposite. There was never any consistent performance’s and the samba music was just one guy usually with a bad speaker or tapping on a drum. This quickly became the dominating problem with Carnival; it was crowds of people with not a lot really ever going on.  

The second night we decided to visit a nightclub named 00, this was a beautiful venue, but once the party started, it felt like someone dropped me into a 90s club in which they were mainly serving what looked like 16 year olds. Most people in nightclubs here are on the pull and it seems women will put out for any person who will dance with you. Quite frankly I find it quite disgusting.

By midweek in Carnival, I’d had enough, the streets were no longer beautiful to look at inside they smelt so strongly of Urine that it was unbearable to walk through. Men were consistently just urinating everywhere. Worried that every puddle surrounding you was 90% piss, which has been in 38 degrees heat for days. With this in mind we visited the Ipanima beach. I don’t know why people love Copacabana beach when this beach is much nicer and the sea is more much cleaner and nicer to cool off in.  

On one night we decided to book tickets to a paint party with a DJ named ShowTek at a local music festival. The Venue was incredible big clear dome and well definitely better than the streets. It was not bad considering I really dislike electronic music. But well being sprayed from head to toe in paint was very fun. During our week in Lapa we visited a few restaurants with the main one being one in a posh hotel venue. The foods was nice but was quite expensive, and never order Palm heart as it just looks like chips and your friend may eat your meal thinking it’s a side order of chips. Very British of us!

Finally my last night was my best night. I hadn’t been impressed by Carnival so far, but luckily one good night can make it up. With this in mind I will try and remember what I did. We went to a bar which has live samba on! Finally some actually decent samba not the crap playing on the streets. I bet some nice local girls who were teaching me how to Samba all night. Samba doesn’t look like much but it’s actually really difficult. The last night is what I actually expected what Carnival would be like.  I can tell I had a great night when my poor friend had to get the bill, carry me home and sit with me by a toilet for 2 hours.

So much has occurred in the past couple of days and I have attempted to sum up as much as possible and keep it short. Carnival was an experience, but not entirely a good one either. My advice is, if you’re already in Brazil, and then why not check it out. But otherwise if I came all the way from England for this event I would have been highly disappointed. Carnival seems like an event local Brazilians have hyped up, partly because it’s one of the only holidays they celebrate. It brings in tourist for the economy and finally because it’s such a fast developing country, people here are trying to keep a grasp onto their naturally history and identity. Honestly it all felt a bit fake.

Struggled to keep this blog entry short as so much went on, and well I could bore you to death with every detail.  So ive tried to keep it short and sweet. Plus anyone looking at visiting Rio during Carnival. Beware of pick pockets and fake tickets. ​

January

January

When people are feeling down people channel their emotions differently, some people drink and smoke, others shut themselves away watching TV; I channel mine into my work and for this some people may even call be workaholic. On my free days so far I have worked solidly on reading papers and writing my introduction and methodology on my project. However now I’ve reached the point in which other than minor corrections the first draft is done. I’ve finished this quicker than I expected and this should be a good thing. It’s not. With a reduced workload, my days off from the field are completely free to do what I please. Anyone who knows me well enough unless I am kept busy with either work, socialising with friends or just hanging out with Joe and my family, I am completely lost. When I am not kept busy my mind wanders to thinking about home and the familiar. Safe to say the lack of structure to my days is bothering me a little. This being said, things should start getting abit more exciting here. Starting next month I have something planned almost every month. February I have Carnival in Rio for a week, end of March Joes parents here are visiting which shouldn’t affect me too much, April I have booked Iguassu Falls for a few days!! This is something I’m seriously excited about I am even seeing the Argentina side. May I have Pantanal for a week!!! Something I am equally excited about, largest wetland in the world alongside some amazing wildlife spectacles. June I will be solidly working on my report writing. And July My Joe from home is hoping to come visit and we plan to go to the Amazon Rainforest together !! I hope this keeps me busy until I go home J.

My family and friends continue to be supportive and my friends sent me a brilliant Christmas present. A moonpig card with some crazy unusual writing in it and pictures I am thankful for your consistent support J

Christ The Redeemer and Sugar Loaf Mountain

On the 20/1/2015 I decided to do some of the tourist stuff in Rio, I could have done this during my week in Rio during Carnival but I figured it will be too busy. Nether the less the Christ was still super busy and R$61 which is quite expensive to enter; I expected nothing less being a tourist attraction. To get to the Christ we took a train up through Tajuca forest, when we reached the top the statue was larger than I thought and the view was spectacular.  It was very crowded with people though and everyone with cameras taking pictures of the view and the Christ. Being crowded the nice but over-priced café the top was worth it as in 33 degree heat was beginning to take its tole. Sugar Loaf Mountain was cheaper entrance and personally I think was better than the Christ. We went up by cable kart and the views of were spectacular; you could honestly appreciate the beauty of Rio from the angle. There were shops and restaurants at the top so nothing beat having a nice cold beer and some lunch with this view, and it was no way near as crowded.  It was also cheaper entrance than the Christ as well and from sugar loaf you could see the Christ overlooking the city. Overall both attractions were good and the view of Rio from above should be on everyone’s bucket list.

Apart from this January has been a pretty quiet month compared and its given me time for reflection. Reflection to me usually means listening heavily to my Ipod, so heres a song for youJ

To Joseph Christopher Scholes – “and all that I am you let me be, I will remember you. For all that you’ve done and given to me. Oh love will remain this I concede now and forever more. Because of you now I believe” – Alterbridge (A wonderful life)

To Joe and everyone I love:-  some search, never finding a way,  before long , they waste away , I found you, something told me to stay, I gave in to selfish ways And how I miss someone to hold when hope begins to fade… a lonely road, crossed another cold state line, Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find- Avenged Sevenfold (Dear God)

To my best friends:- How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets In midnights, in cups of coffee In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife, In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, a year in the life? It's time now, to sing out, Though the story never ends, Let's celebrate. Remember a year in the life of friends-  Seasons of Love (Rent the Musical).

To my mum and dad, whom have always supported my dreams no matter what and taught influenced my taste in Music. :- “I wont stop running I’m only getting closer, To getting off the ground this time The sky is calling, the wind is at my shoulders, Won’t let this chance pass me by. Mama, I’m bent to fly” – Slash

To Evie,  Isobelle, Delilah  and Amelia’s Bump- (Forever young) 

Happy New Year! Bringing in the New Year in Brazil!

2015 in Brazil

2015 has arrived! And how did I spend New Years Eve in Brazil, dancing around drinking beer/vodka to classic rock in a thunderstorm wearing a headlamp because as usual the power was out!  2014 for me has been the year for maturity, personal growth, hard work and going outside my comfort zone. Safe to say it’s been one hell of an emotional year which will continue into 2015. I have so much to look forward to as well in 2015, Including Carnival in February and hopefully booking Iguazu Falls and Pantanal soon and also a lot more field work followed by a 10,000 word report. Best yet even my Joe might be coming here for July! In 2015 I will also be returning home and catching up with everyone. In September starting final year at university with a whole new group of classmates! Scary and exciting stuff! To sum up my new year revolutions this year, be more charitable, try and learn more Portuguese! And tell everyone how grateful I am for the ongoing support through 2014-2015 J.

I have talked a lot about my emotional journey in previous blogs, but my physical journey is almost as difficult. Doing tones of 6 hour hikes when my body isn’t used to much exercise at all is taking its tole. First is the obvious aching muscles, I swear I ache in places that I didn’t even knew existed. Secondly my foot! In august I badly sprained my foot and it’s never fully recovered which mean it often hurts in the field and I am at more risk of re-spraining it. Another occurring problem is my knees; apparently this is a common problem among people who are abusing their bodies going too many down-hill hikes. The only solution is apparently aspirin, rest and some knee braces I have invested in. Not great as my research doesn’t take rest into account and I am therefore feeling older than my years.  Another consideration when hiking is equipment as you needs to take everything with you! Including my first aid kit (which has come quite in handy as I’m usually the person bleeding), Hydration pack, Fashionable waterproof pants and coat, which completely clash and best of all quick dry tops; because despite the sophisticated woman I am ;) women still sweat! But well I guess it’s all in the name of science right!

Despite all this the rainforest is now becoming my second home. I almost know every inch of my 2400m transect line including every loose branch and every slippery rock but it never seizes to surprise. Everyday spent in the field something new and exciting always occurs, keeping me interested whether it’s the diversity in bird choruses or the capuchins angrily throwing fruit at me. However at times the wildlife here tests my patience, trying to survey birds whilst dart around quick, struggling to grasp and position binoculars, and worse of all those darn Thrushes taunting me with their high chirped calls whilst they hide amongst dense vegetation. All this field work has given me a good grasp of on the direction of my project. I have decided that I am to investigate the importance frugivorous species in fruit dispersal and how this can be used in the development of ecological corridors and reduce the threat of fragmentation within the park. My paper aims focus on the distribution of species in relation to fallen fruit, how size and diet of the frugivorous effects distribution which interlinks which also interlinks with seasonal changes and the mutualistic relationship between fruit trees and frugivorous species.  This is something I am actually looking forward to investigating more.

One thing I think I should mention about how disorganised Brazil as a whole is or maybe how organised England is. Every time you do anything simple such as the supermarket or anything queing takes about 45 minutes sometimes just to buy one item and the till breaks every time. Technology here is terrible and that’s coming from someone who is a technophobe.  When you have a problem you have to go to five different places. Its hard to put into words but nothing is ever quick or simple here. Keeps me on my toes to say the least and my teeth are beginning to grind down to my gums at times.

Recently a friend said to me that I should forget about the once in the lifetime stuff as I can go to Brazil at any point in the future. But also consider the fact I’ve began to appreciate the people more at home, and he’s right in saying despite being so apart im more close with Joe, Friends and Family than ever before.  This is something I will treasure forever.

Finally one thing I want to add is how crazy the Thunderstorms have been!, it will be sunny all down and then the heavens will open. It sounds like the worlds going to end! and the flashes are light are surreal! although this is often comes with Blackouts and attracts insects, frogs and worst of all Snakes into my room! yes I found a snake into my room in which Joe had to guide out with a stick! alongside picking up the frog. I guess you can say our room is truly as wild as the rain forest itself

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams".- Eleanor Roosevelt

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny".- Albert Ellis

In my blood- Black Stone Cherry < https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ29Pw1P7DE>

 Last Hope – Paramore < https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEm7q5feofk>