The Bucket List

9	weeks
66	days
1598	hours
95896	minutes
5753762	seconds

So my latest blog entries have been pretty depressing and I’m finding it very difficult to write anything positive for my experience at this moment in time.  At this moment in time,  I should be at the Pantanal having an experience of a lifetime and enjoying the wildlife, but the person I was going with dropped out on me for stupid reasons I won’t go into too much detail with. With already a trip to the amazon cancelled, I have nothing to do for the next 8 weeks apart from dive into my work and keep my mind off all the bad that’s happened in the next month. With that in mind, to avoid yet ANOTHER depressing blog entry, I have decided that this time I’ll write a bucket list on what I plan to do in August when I get back into England.  *This is no particular order*

1.       Visit all my family member who have been supportive during my time here and maybe get creative and design lots of Thank You cards, and moving in Hampers ect :P!

2.       Organise a huge hangout with all my university friends, so I can get all emotional and tell them how much I’ve missed them (If any of you are reading this, Get on arranging something! Anything!)

3.       Visit some of my friends at home, a night with Ash, Holly and Alan. Likely just playing board games at their house with a bottle of wine or rum ;)

4.       Help my parents move house, Decorate my room at home and work on the Garden!!, Yes Dad , I plan to make our new garden wildlife friendly! With plenty of tips from Laura and Callum!

5.       Eat my body weight in food!  I really miss a Shams Spices curry, Barboritos , Spoons and The Globe.  And drink a lot of dark rum :P

6.       Go on a HUGE shopping spree for new clothes and shoes with my sister! Make sure that next year, I get her out of the house more and treat her as a thank you for shopping! (Including Revolution de Cuba in September)

7.       Take Ben shopping (as he’s a useless guy who needs a woman’s opinion) and followed by drink’s ! And let him teach me the rules of ice hockey!!  

8.       Camp out with the college folks!

9.       Make a scrapbook specifically for my time here and edit my other scrapbook! Go to paper chase and spend even more money! Including stationary for university and a nice planner J

10.   Go visit my family in Cumbria for the weekend and have a fun weekend around the Lake District.

11.   ALAN CARR at the Buxton opera house with my family and Hannah! (maybe go out for a cheeky rum afterwards!)

12.   Binge out on all kinds of movies and TV with my bestie Hannah! (the amount of little plans we have promised would require a separate list :P) ZOMBIES and DISNEY!

13.   Go out with people from School since Liam thinks it will benefit my well-being or some philosophical crap ;)

14.   Have a few day trips out with the parent ;)

15.   ENJOY SUMMER IN ENGLAND!

Thank You to all my true amazing friends and family who have sympathised with my struggles here and have gone out your way to make plans with me so im not bored and alone when I get home! LOVE YOU ALL! X

In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same. - Albert Einstein

The Truth

Before I came here people told me that traveling abroad and living away from home will differentiate the important people in your life and everyone else.  With that in mind I stated in one of my earlier blog entries that I was lucky I had not experienced this because everyone was equally as supportive. However my luck has finally run out and this month so far has acknowledged that lingering statement.  These past two weeks have been the most emotional and heart breaking days of my time here or maybe even my entire life, to put this into perspective I have never felt so betrayed by people I considered close to me.  Friends have often described me by wearing my heart and emotions on my sleeve which in turn makes me exposed to being hurt and manipulated by others.  I personally like to think being honest and true could be considered my best and worst qualities.

Being out in the field for the first time in 2 weeks has helped me reflect on what has happened, but before I explain further there is something I should confess. Throughout my life people have betrayed me. I was bullied throughout school and because of this you could say I grew up quickly. Being a naïve and lonely 13 year old I was already being used by people older than me, shortly later I got my first real relationship (yes at the young age of 13), the boy in question treated me well but like everyone else couldn’t deal with my emotional mood swings. During our relationship the very little friends I had no longer wanted to associate with me including my childhood best friend. You could say because of this I became bitter for years, not trusting anyone fully. And It took even a couple years of for my now (ex) boyfriend to gain my trust for this reason.  Gaining my trust I held onto this person for 6 and a half years afraid to let go, as of now I managed to push bitter feelings aside and develop some amazing friends. 

When we broke up even though we broke up originally on good terms, but despite this I was alone in another country with one other English friend/housemate, and as stated in my previous blog entry I developed strange falsified feelings for him, as a result of lack of human contact. Without going into too much detail we both did horrible despicable things myself included which has now broken down our personal relationship till the point we are being separated into different housing and he understandably can’t stand me.  The worst betrayal was discovering that my boyfriend had a moment of weakness and had been unfaithful during my time here. From here on out this week I have been dealing with the mess from both sides, with consistent feelings of deep betrayal, feeling hollow and guilt. For anyone who knows me well, when I get upset, I turn into a hurricane destroying anything in my path, pushing people away so I am forced to start afresh. This is one of those times, I acted selfishly and now there nothing left but animosity between me and my ex. I have cut ties with a lot of people I would consider friends, not because I don’t consider them good people but because they no longer can have a place in my life. My work colleagues are mad at me and because of issues with my housemate and my grade now hangs in the balance, and the only friend I have here who could of help lessen the blow is hates me and has betrayed me as equally.  Alongside what feels like the most expensive break up ever, Safe to say, it feels I have hit rock bottom and the worst lesson of my life.

Even though my head is spinning with emotions and regrets, I refuse to be swallowed up this time and lead to become bitter again. It would be wrong to assume that these people from my past and from my present are horrible people by betraying me. They did despicable things some which people would describe as unforgivable and therefore people keep asking me why I continue to be unconditionally kind? Well here’s my answer…  I have done at least equally spiteful things in my life which I am not proud of. How can I finally forgive myself for these actions if I refuse to forgive others who have acted unkind? And as my friends would say I am only human and I am entitled to make mistakes. Well in that case people who have betrayed me are also entitled to the same luxury. So even though I may not speak to some of these people again, I do not believe because they acted unkind that they are horrible people and I forgive them, even if it means not expecting forgiveness in return.

On this note I am trying my best to act kind even to those who may not return that kindness and I guess this is my way of dealing with the heavy problems I now face. I guess it’s only when you hit a really low point in your life when you can really re-evaluate the type of person you are. I may not feel this way consistently this way but I think its fine I stop beating myself up over things which are now beyond my control and just concentrate on being the person I want to be. The next two months are going to be hard expected with no longer a visitor coming in July. Luckily I have also recently made some new amazing group of  local friends who are making my time here a little easier, with Cinema, lots of Food and Tequila  in which hope to see more of in the near future. 

Special thanks to friends who have been there for me and have consistently listened to me cry and moan and get angry through Skype, online and even into the early hours of the morning. especially Hannah, James,Alan, Ben, Sarah, Laura, Damien and Liam. Also Thank You to my new Brazilian Friend Marina for you consistent kindness.