The Truth
Before I came here people told me
that traveling abroad and living away from home will differentiate the
important people in your life and everyone else. With that in mind I stated in one of my
earlier blog entries that I was lucky I had not experienced this because everyone
was equally as supportive. However my luck has finally run out and this month
so far has acknowledged that lingering statement. These past two weeks have been the most emotional
and heart breaking days of my time here or maybe even my entire life, to put
this into perspective I have never felt so betrayed by people I considered
close to me. Friends have often
described me by wearing my heart and emotions on my sleeve which in turn makes
me exposed to being hurt and manipulated by others. I personally like to think being honest and
true could be considered my best and worst qualities.
Being out in the field for the
first time in 2 weeks has helped me reflect on what has happened, but before I explain
further there is something I should confess. Throughout my life people have
betrayed me. I was bullied throughout school and because of this you could say
I grew up quickly. Being a naïve and lonely 13 year old I was already being
used by people older than me, shortly later I got my first real relationship (yes
at the young age of 13), the boy in question treated me well but like everyone
else couldn’t deal with my emotional mood swings. During our relationship the
very little friends I had no longer wanted to associate with me including my
childhood best friend. You could say because of this I became bitter for years,
not trusting anyone fully. And It took even a couple years of for my now (ex)
boyfriend to gain my trust for this reason. Gaining my trust I held onto this person for 6
and a half years afraid to let go, as of now I managed to push bitter feelings
aside and develop some amazing friends.
When we broke up even though we broke
up originally on good terms, but despite this I was alone in another country
with one other English friend/housemate, and as stated in my previous blog
entry I developed strange falsified feelings for him, as a result of lack of human
contact. Without going into too much detail we both did horrible despicable
things myself included which has now broken down our personal relationship till
the point we are being separated into different housing and he understandably can’t
stand me. The worst betrayal was discovering
that my boyfriend had a moment of weakness and had been unfaithful during my
time here. From here on out this week I have been dealing with the mess from
both sides, with consistent feelings of deep betrayal, feeling hollow and
guilt. For anyone who knows me well, when I get upset, I turn into a hurricane
destroying anything in my path, pushing people away so I am forced to start
afresh. This is one of those times, I acted selfishly and now there nothing
left but animosity between me and my ex. I have cut ties with a lot of people I
would consider friends, not because I don’t consider them good people but
because they no longer can have a place in my life. My work colleagues are mad
at me and because of issues with my housemate and my grade now hangs in the balance,
and the only friend I have here who could of help lessen the blow is hates me
and has betrayed me as equally. Alongside
what feels like the most expensive break up ever, Safe to say, it feels I have
hit rock bottom and the worst lesson of my life.
Even though my head is spinning
with emotions and regrets, I refuse to be swallowed up this time and lead to
become bitter again. It would be wrong to assume that these people from my past
and from my present are horrible people by betraying me. They did despicable things
some which people would describe as unforgivable and therefore people keep
asking me why I continue to be unconditionally kind? Well here’s my answer… I have done at least equally spiteful things in my life which
I am not proud of. How can I finally forgive myself for these actions if I refuse
to forgive others who have acted unkind? And as my friends would say I am only human
and I am entitled to make mistakes. Well in that case people who have betrayed
me are also entitled to the same luxury. So even though I may not speak to some
of these people again, I do not believe because they acted unkind that they are
horrible people and I forgive them, even if it means not expecting forgiveness
in return.
On this note I am trying my best
to act kind even to those who may not return that kindness and I guess this is
my way of dealing with the heavy problems I now face. I guess it’s only when
you hit a really low point in your life when you can really re-evaluate the
type of person you are. I may not feel this way consistently this way but I think
its fine I stop beating myself up over things which are now beyond my control
and just concentrate on being the person I want to be. The next two months are going to be hard expected with no longer a visitor coming in July. Luckily I have also recently
made some new amazing group of local
friends who are making my time here a little easier, with Cinema, lots of Food
and Tequila in which hope to see more of
in the near future.
Special thanks to friends who have been there for me and have consistently listened to me cry and moan and get angry through Skype, online and even into the early hours of the morning. especially Hannah, James,Alan, Ben, Sarah, Laura, Damien and Liam. Also Thank You to my new Brazilian Friend Marina for you consistent kindness.
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